The Target Run: A Tale in Three Acts

PROLOGUE

As the idiom goes: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Likewise: "Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Mom."

I used a few choice words today in front of my two youngest daughters; words that I don't often use because I think they make me sound ignorant. And even though I don't normally subscribe to such language, today, for about 15 minutes, I think it was justified.

ACT I

My morning started off well:

• Woke up and did my morning ablutions
• Got the bacon and coffee going
• Woke up my oldest for school
• Made eggs and toast
• Served said breakfast to the family (minus the middle child who was still asleep)
• Walked my daughter to the bus stop
• Walked back home with my new gal pal that just moved here from Brazil
• Cleaned up the kitchen and folded laundry
• Got the youngest two ready for a much needed "Target Run"

Then a couple of misfires happened:

• Youngest child peed in her princess potty and then immediately put her hand in the bowl
• Middle child ran into the backyard and straight into a steaming pile of $#!+ that our family dog had just laid down

All I could really do was laugh because, well, sometimes that's all you can do after you wipe urine and feces off of everyone and everything. So we got in the truck and off we went, to the land of middle-aged women, yoga pants and lattes....

ACT II

No sooner had I driven down the road maybe a mile, I glanced in my mirror and spied my youngest daughter fast asleep in her rear-facing car seat. Although I was a little surprised she was already asleep since it was just mid-morning, I figured what the heck and said: "I'll go grab a coffee and just drive."

After an hour of cruising the 3 square mile radius that I consider my "stomping grounds," my littlest finally awoke and we pulled into the Target parking lot. I found my "usual" spot available - next to a cart return station and the central walkway that leads to the front doors. We parked, loaded up into our "double side-seater" cart (which is about as long and unwieldy as an 18-wheeler), and began our mystical journey through the aisles. 

An hour later and a cart stocked full of goodies - from diapers and toilet paper, to seltzer and a sundress (on Clearance) - we made our way to the checkout. I always have a pleasant conversation with the cashiers at Target, and the girls always enjoy getting their end-of-the-shopping-excursion stickers. So, with a smile on my face and stickers in hand, the girls and I made our way out of the store and into the bright, sunny day outside....

ACT III

As I walked out into the muggy, Texas air and squinted my eyes, I turned the cart toward the row in which we parked. A white Jeep with temporary tags had just turned into the row and paused. I pushed my laden down cart forward and was maneuvering the cart to the left, when the driver of the Jeep decided - for whatever reason - to put the vehicle in reverse. 

Now, as I said before, I was "maneuvering" my cart to the left side of the aisle. But like I also said before, those "double side-seater" carts they have at Target are "unwieldy." I mean, in the store alone, if I go in between certain sets of clothing racks I have to do about a dozen manipulations and a few three-point-turns to get out of some areas. Not to mention, once a cart is loaded down with about 20 lbs of groceries and supplies, combined with 50 lbs of children's body weight, there's a substantial amount of force that a parent uses to get that baby going.

So, needless to say, as soon as I saw the reverse lights go on I got a little nervous, but thought: "Surely when they see me with this traveling gypsy wagon they'll stop and just go forward." But, no, they didn't. They started backing up and kept turning towards me, and my blood started pumping and my adrenaline started firing, and I have never put so much force and torque behind a Target double-side-seater cart in my life.

I heard a woman behind me, back on the sidewalk in front of the store, say: "You've got to be F_____G kidding me?!" After I got around and to the side of the Jeep I stared down the driver, who had the most vacant and mindless expression I've ever seen on anyone's face. As he looked over at me, I stared at him incredulous and enraged, and threw my hands up in typical WTF fashion. He just looked at me, did nothing, and drove towards the next row over. As he pulled away from me, I threw him the good old middle finger, and loudly said the same. 

My blood was boiling and I was getting hot. I mean, it's one thing to nearly hit me, but this clown nearly hit MY KIDS! I looked over at the woman on the sidewalk and she was staring at me, dumbfounded. "I have half a mind to go tell him off," I said to her, and then thought....."half a mind? Go tell that moron off!" So, once again, I maneuvered my cart through the parking lot and sidled up to the driver's side of the Jeep. I knocked on the door and it opened.

The guy's face was.....I just can't even express how vapid it was. I looked at him and said: "Hey! You nearly hit me and my kids!" His response was: "I'm really sorry if I scared you but I have a backup camera." …..  Now, say that out loud to yourself (his response), but say it like you're Eeyore the donkey, stoned and listless and as quiet as humanly possible.

I looked at him incredulously. My response was, essentially, this: "I don't care if you have a backup camera! You don't keep going in reverse when you see people behind you! Especially a mother with her little children! When you start going down a row in a parking lot you don't put it in reverse, you keep going straight!" 

He just looked at me and said, in the same tone, with the same expression: "Again, I'm sorry." 

I wanted to punch him in his stupid face. Really. Truly. So badly. But I took a deep breath and said: "Just keep what happened just now in mind the next time you think about doing it again." I walked away, fuming, but trying to cool off. I called him a few more choice words on my way to the truck, got the kids in their car seats and my bags loaded in the trunk. I called the hubby and regaled him with the story, to which he confirmed he probably would have actually punched the guy in the face, and then began my journey back home.

By the time I turned onto the strip, I was calming down. My heartbeat was regulating and I could feel the tension slipping out of my face and my shoulders and my arms. I saw the Chik-Fil-A sign as I crested the hill and asked the girls: "Who wants Chik-Fil-A?!" (Because every Mom knows Target runs and Chik-Fil-A lunches go hand-in-hand!)

A synchronized "I do!" filled the car. I turned down the hill and into the drive-thru. The girls and I sang silly songs while we waited for our order (which is always super quick because Chik-Fil-A rocks) and sang to Taylor Swift on the way home. By the time I got back to the house I was actually laughing at the whole situation, while also being - legitimately - ticked off about the whole thing.

EPILOGUE

I hope that guy learned something. I hope he never reverses like that in a parking lot again. And I truly hope he never does something stupid if there's a mom and her kids around him because I'm pretty sure, today, he learned a very important lesson: "Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Mom."